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{Saturday, August 17, 2002}

Tired of Your Station In Life?

The girls were outside with two older neighbor girls last night. We were sitting on the steps supervising them and I heard the organizing of a game of 'house'. Emma asked Morgan if she wanted to be the baby sister. Morgan said, "NO! I do *not* want to be the baby sister; I'm just regular Morgan." Not that there's anything normal about Morgan, mind you. [wink]

So much to blog, so little ambition to actually do it. I *do* blog in my head, but it rarely makes it over here to the keyboard. If only I could beam it from my thought factory straight to the keyboard. Oh, but you *can*! they'll be saying in a few years. Just let us put this very small microchip behind your eyes. Simple!

The dog has been having Jennifer withdrawals. He had pooped twice during the night, but not for the past two, so hopefully that is over. He doesn't know what to do with himself at night. He used to sleep in Jennifer's room, on her chair or on her bed, but now he doesn't want to be in there by himself. So now he pads around, not knowing where to sleep. I'd tried to let him in with the girls, but he comes popping out, feeling like that isn't right. What he really wants to do is sit outside and wait for her during the night. I gave him a bath today and the stink is diminished somewhat. He'll be easier to snuggle with now for a while.

Hormones are like a ferris wheel here, swooping with great whooshes up and down, forward and backward. One minute sane and content, the next insane and quite discontent. I did let my hormones be my guide in school decisions this week. I signed Emma up for public kindergarten, half-day. I have no doubt that I could teach her the kindergarten *requirements* with ease, but what to do with her the rest of the day? Morgan will be doing her own thing at the YMCA preschool and there would be Emma. And she *hates* all of my adult-life errands and activities. Dislikes the coffee-shop, abhores grocery shopping, suffers through Goodwill. I would say that I would change my life completely and do field trips and pack the days with educational activities, but I won't. I know I won't. And if I *did*, I would be miserable and just faking it anyway.

I came extrememly close to a Lutheran school but backed out after finding out the Jesus level. Too high for me. *Much* too high. It was very tempting in class-size (11 or 12), but looking at it clearly, it was really just about the same as public school. Pubic school with God. Her class will have 23 kids and 2 adults. Same ratio basically. The orientation went well. Emma was the only kid there *not* playing with all of the stuff, but sitting with me and rubbing her hair with her tongue on the verge of sticking out. That was one of my nightmares of the homeschooling - that she'd be in that pose 5 hours a day. As I was thinking so strongly about the private school (and it was so close!), then switched to public, I keep marveling at the freeness of it all.

I'll think - now let me get this straight - I'll drop of my kid *for free* for 3 hours a day, 5 days a week. Free you say? And during that time, she'll play and learn? Hmmm. Quite the 'impossible to resist' proposition really. She keeps insisting that she wants to stay full days, but I'm just putting off that conversation until after she's gone One Day. The first day is half a day for all of them, then Wednesday through Friday after full days. Four of the kids in her class are half-day students. Her teachers appears fantastic, having spent 15 years in special ed and then 7 years with kindergarten.

My digital camera is full and now I need to read ahead in the book to see how to download them. Not that enthusiastic about it though. Nor have I been inspired to put in my new digital studio card that I bought five days ago. Definitely a sign of some mild depression. Normally I can't wait to do those things. I really *must* get some eBay listed. Seeing those checks and money orders flow in is always good for any pissy attitude.

posted by Lisa 11:55 AM

{Tuesday, August 13, 2002}

The Dog

The dog was doing the stare (at me) and glance (at the back door) as he is prone to do post-10-pm. I decided, what the heck, he's probably on the edge of depression himself. So, I went outside with him for The Last Pee of The Night. I grabbed my wine and turned out the lights, hoping to confuse bugs who were poised outside the door, waiting to zip in. I went out and sat on the steps, dog sits next to me. We sit, we look around. I say, "Hey, don't you need to pee?" and he looks back at me like, oh yeah. Hops down from the steps, trots out into the dewy grass....I am patting myself on the back, thinking, ah yes - be good to the dog, the dog will be good back. Ah, what I good and noble dog owner I am!

Dog then circles around the immediate yard, chooses the mark and shits right at the bottom of the plastic slide. Hmmm. Perhaps dog has more of a sense of humor (or cruelty) that I had previously given him credit for.

I waited to call the girls tonight until post-9 p.m. Free cell phone time. At 9:30, there was no answer. I left a message. At 10 p.m. Stephanie's beloved called while I was washing dishes and left a message wondering if we had heard from them because he had been trying for 45 minutes and was getting nada. I had put my non-answered call into the 'non-worry' zone thinking they'd gone to bed as they have to be filthy exhausted after being on the road for 15-plus hours. Now, his call got me worried. If the phone (Jennifer's) was off, the voice mail would have come on immediately. It didn't - it rang 10 times. Out of signal? Perhaps. But surely in hotel by now. Surely in some sort of civilization then? Calling in the a.m. Also told John to call me if he heard from them and I would do same. [worry, worry]

Picked up the wedding pictures today and got an interesting one. It is a picture of Jennifer at Scott at the reception. They are both looking to their right and they are both smiling wide. They are *identical*. Bloody identical. So - they'll be no back and forth about Who The Baby Looks Like. It will look like THEM.

posted by Lisa 10:35 PM
A Girl of Constant Sorrow

Oh man, so blue. Never combine a goodbye with PMS and bloating. Emma let out one little spontaneous, "I hope they like their new house as much as they liked their old one" in the car, but that's been it from her. Also heaped on my pile of Anxieties is school choice. Waffling this week. Went to visit a local parochial school. On first inspection it was lovely. Very small classes and cute, clean classrooms. Talked to someone today and man, was it religous. Very. V. I don't think that will work. Actually, I left thinking that it might, but it wore on me during the day and I realized it really wasn't do-able.

Even, in desperation, visited the local public school web page today. [sigh x 2] I wish I could blend the secular factor of the public schools with the perks of the Lutheran one. I'd be happy to pay the tuition, if such a beast was available to us. There is one - one that a friend enrolled her daughter in. It didn't hit me well at all. The brochure made it seem very academically intense (i.e. pushy) and the location - can't get over that. It's in an office park type building (alongside dentists and the like) and there are *no* outside activities. None. For six hours a day - five days a week. I myself am not an outside type, but man - that sounds like a lot of indoor time for the young'uns.
posted by Lisa 7:12 PM
Don't Cry or I'll Slap You Twice

The westward bound are on the road. I went upstairs as they were pulling out to make sure Morgan hadn't heard the rumbling of the diesel engine and woken up. Harley bounded upstairs with me and went in Jennifer's room and snuggled up on the bed. He was very suspicious that he was being left out of something this morning.
posted by Lisa 5:05 AM

{Sunday, August 11, 2002}

Mainstream Mama

I wish I were one. I wish I was outfitting the backpack *right now* and flagging down that yellow bus. I think we all must be suffering from the impending leavetaking of Jennifer and Stephanie. I know they are suffering. The U-Haul is on it's way now. Not behind the car. Behind the truck because the car couldn't take it. Stress ensued when I relayed this information. I'm sympathetic, but OTOH, it really has nothing to do with me, so I feel like I really shouldn't be expressing any opinions or certainly not 'voting'.

I just am feeling like a dirty, rotton scoundrel. And, AND - I have a mass sprouting of zits. Horrible, everywhere. Vile. I have no idea what is going on, but I do have a follow-up doctor's appointment tomorrow (because they wouldn't give me the drugs without it. Have been in nipple hell.) and I may bring all of this up and switch drugs. Need happier ones. Now!!!

Went out last night, at the last minute, with Jennifer, Scott, and Jay. We went to Dave & Busters for dinner and games. Grammy came over with 5 minutes notice to babysit. I warned the kids four or five times that I wanted them to go to bed at the appointed time. I repeated and repeated. I repeated after Grammy got here. Grammy called me after we were sitting down to eat. They were refusing to go to bed. Scared. And acting crazy. SHIT. After we got home, Grammy reported they didn't get to sleep until MIDnight and were completely horrible. I have been furious with them today. ARGH. It was particularly Morgan who feels like she can do whatever she wants, whenever she wants and make her own rules. We are working on unlearning that incorrect attitude starting today.

Maybe that's why I'm rethinking schools today! Like, here's the Crayolas, there's the drop-off spot -- see ya'll at the appointed time! The girls behind us go to the Lutheran school and they are not ravers. I am though - just about a raving maniac!
posted by Lisa 5:39 PM